Woody’s Chalkboards (2017)

Quip Date Note
Polly needs a comeback Jun. 22, 2017 [pic]
Polly wants a facetime Jun. 22, 2017 [pic]
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know Jun. 14, 2017
The time travelers meeting scheduled for today will now be held last Thursday Jun. 14, 2017
(Na)16 Adam West Jun. 12, 2017 [pic]
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest Jun. 12, 2017
There are 2 reasons why I would never drink toilet water: number 1 and number 2 Jun. 7, 2017
Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge Jun. 7, 2017
Don't look Jun. 6, 2017 [pic]
The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers Jun. 6, 2017
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places Jun. 2, 2017
I lost the spelling bee because I couldn't spell 'covfefe' Jun. 2, 2017
I have lots of hidden talents. I just can't find them May. 31, 2017
Never go to a doctor whose plants have died May. 31, 2017
They call it a "selfie" because "narcisseitie" is too hard to spell May. 17, 2017
Yes, it hurt when I fell from heaven May. 17, 2017
Today I'm giving my best opinion by telepathy...as you know May. 15, 2017
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually May. 15, 2017
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions May. 12, 2017
"Memory foam pillow fights": That's one fight you'll never forget May. 12, 2017
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving May. 9, 2017
I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really fast May. 9, 2017
My life coach just informed me that I didn't make the team May. 5, 2017
May the cinco be with you May. 5, 2017
Life is a soup, and I'm a fork May. 4, 2017
May the fourth be with you May. 4, 2017 [pic]
I want my tombstone to say, "It didn't make me stronger." Apr. 28, 2017
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five to six times just to be sure Apr. 28, 2017
With enough preparation, I can be very spontaneous Apr. 27, 2017
I hate it when I see an old person and realize they were a year behind me in school Apr. 27, 2017
If one piece of bacon takes nine minutes off your life, I should have died in 1953 Apr. 20, 2017
I am getting many offers from men wanting to be my driver, butler, etc. Obviously, they didn't quite get the meaning Apr. 20, 2017
I just burned 3,000 calories. I left the cookies in the oven too long. Apr. 18, 2017
I need professional help...a driver, a butler and a massage therapist Apr. 18, 2017
I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it Apr. 13, 2017
Starting today, whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits Reali Apr. 13, 2017 Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
Pasteurize: Too far to see Apr. 10, 2017
If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you'll weigh 75 pounds on Mars. You're not overewight, you're on the wrong planet. Apr. 10, 2017
Trattoria Il Panino's soup of the day: "Soup du jour" Apr. 5, 2017
Visit the bracket champ David Ledbury, at Trattoria Il Panino in Boston North End Apr. 5, 2017
I have a big to-do list today. I just don't know who's going to do it Apr. 3, 2017
Mind over matter does not matter, and I don't mind Apr. 3, 2017
This chapstick I have on today is the balm! Mar. 31, 2017
I tried it at home Mar. 31, 2017 Drawing of a man on fire [pic]
My parents should have let me run with scissors Mar. 27, 2017
Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed Mar. 27, 2017
Some people won't admit to their faults. I would if I had any Mar. 22, 2017
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke Mar. 22, 2017
I have so many sources I have to outsource them Mar. 20, 2017
My life is a box of chocolates...left in the sun too long Mar. 20, 2017
I send telegrams. They don't get hacked. Mar. 10, 2017
A convincing stick-on mustache is hard to pull off Mar. 10, 2017
I want to quit my bad habits, but I am no quitter! Mar. 9, 2017
I've never shot a gun; that would be a strange target Mar. 9, 2017
I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent Mar. 3, 2017
I actually am the enema of the American people Mar. 3, 2017
My problem is I dot my T's and cross my eyes Mar. 1, 2017
I cannot convince my ducks to line up in a row Mar. 1, 2017
Why do they call the product "Depends"? Depends on what? Feb. 23, 2017
I have two rules in life Feb. 23, 2017
Tony, would you like to buy a vowel Feb. 16, 2017 [pic]
Cowlishaw's brain has too many tabs open Feb. 16, 2017 Cowlishaw = Tim Cowlishaw, another panelist on the show
Do I have a date for Valentines Day? Yes. February 14th Feb. 14, 2017
I'm going to spend Valentines Day with my ex...box one Feb. 14, 2017
I only moisturize my hair under one condition Feb. 13, 2017
Frank, may the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are Feb. 13, 2017 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
New studio, old panelist Feb. 10, 2017
Volume control. I didn't come with that option Feb. 10, 2017
Time is precious. Waste it in a timely manner Feb. 8, 2017
Without me it's just aweso Feb. 8, 2017
Fountain of youth jokes never get old Jan. 30, 2017
I cirrusly love clouds Jan. 30, 2017
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people Jan. 27, 2017
Don't bring yarn and a needle to a battle of wits, Pablo Jan. 27, 2017 Pablo = Pablo Torre, another panelist on the show
When I cross my eyes, I can see your point more clearly Jan. 24, 2017
Breaking bad is how I start every show Jan. 24, 2017
I'm holding up my end of this bargin. The Paige guy isn't Jan. 19, 2017
I'm deep in thought, or deep in something Jan. 19, 2017
I'm having a space-themed party, but I still have to planet Jan. 17, 2017
That pen I borrowed from the bank was off the chain Jan. 17, 2017
Texans know how the defenders at the Alamo must have felt Jan. 13, 2017
I'm not superstitious on Friday the 13th, but I am a little stitious Jan. 13, 2017
I can't find a release date for Star Wars: Rogue Two Jan. 10, 2017
Often, instead of saying "for example", I'll say something such as "such as", for example Jan. 10, 2017
What if I told you you read this wrong? Jan. 5, 2017
Spelling is difficoult challanging hard Jan. 5, 2017
If you see me crying, it's because of my haircut Jan. 3, 2017
Sarcasm is an art. If it was a science, I'd have my PhD. Jan. 3, 2017