The meaning of life?
The period between birth and death

The credit card company called me and said my bill was a year old. I said,
“Happy Birthday!”

After exercising, I eat six doughnuts.
Just kidding!
I don't exercise

Today is World Sandwich Day. Eating a hot dog doesn’t count, Mina
For those of you who didn’t get the first chalkboard, it was a pumpkin and a knife. Get it? Pumpkin carving
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror. As you might imagine, today is a big day for me

Limbo champion walks into a bar…
he’s disqualified

Procrastination is a good thing. You’ll always have something to do tomorrow and nothing to do today
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself

I avoid clichés like the plague with every fiber of my being

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question with a joke?

Don’t underestimate me…
unless you’re trying to guess my age or weight

Not only am I the master of suspsense, but I

There are two types of people in this world:

  1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
Thoughts and prayers to all those effected by the tragedy in Las Vegas

Paisley Thursday is back by despite popular demand

Shoutout Winners: @notfamouskyle'swife @ericstenske @hakeemfiz

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