Add mayo to your guacamole! You’ll love it and me
Don’t believe everything you think
2,600 shows, 5,280 blackboards
Mind over matter. I don’t mind, and you don’t matter
My hamster is smarter than your honor student
I’m on two diets. Allows me to eat twice as much
I wanted to run away and join the circus. My dad said he would drive me
My pet lizard has reptile dysfunction
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up
I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally
My childhood was awful. Forced to watch Lawrence Welk with parents
Is Tony my enemy? Asking for a friend

Note: Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH

You should eat 1,200 calories a day. More at night
Why does it cost $2 to put air in my tires? Inflation
More interested in night light than night life, baby
I’m not on vegan diet. Vegas diet. All-you-can-eat buffets
I just bought two copies of “How To Solve Half Of Your Problems In One Day”
I’m great at being patient. I just can’t do it for very long
Sting has disappeared. The Police have no lead
Happy New Year! Let’s get it right in 2019
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