You don’t appreciate something until it’s gone. For instance, toilet paper
My mind believes I’m 25. My humor suggests I’m 11. My body thinks I’m dead
To me, 72 is the new 40. 8:40 is the new midnight
Pack your junk in Amazon boxes and put on front porch. It’ll be gone today
I found something in my closet from 20 years ago that still fits. Scarf
When your doctor puts on rubber gloves, you do it, too
My toe’s only function is to hit furniture
If you’re buying Smart Water, it’s not working
I do all my stunts on ATH

Note: ATH = Around The Horn

Geologist Charles Darwin was a rock star
I’m not a mad scientist. I’m a PO’ed panelist
(Insert your own quote. I’m tired of doing it for you)
I’m allowed to by hypocritical, but you’re not

Who invented the asterisk?
Aristarchus*
*Me

“I” before “E” except after “C”. Scientists disagree
I thought about cutting my sodium intake but I was like, na
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do
I am the most humble guy you’ll ever meet
I said, “Hey Alexa” to Siri, but she’s giving me the silent treatment
I, for I, like roman numerals
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