My daughter introduces me as her friend’s grandfather
I don’t have an expiration date on my body. Don’t know if that’s good or bad
There’s no “I” in denial
Records made to be broken. 1,935 losses on ATH never will be, sadly
The center of the universe has been discovered. I am it
Just tried to do a cartwheel. I’ts not like riding a bike

Note: "I'ts" [sic]

Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock
One of the best things about being forgetful is
Still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age
I got my friend an elephant for his room. He said, “Thanks.” I said, “Don’t mention it”
I buy organic vegetables, but when I get home they’re donuts
If your dog barks during ATH, tell him to roll over and play Pablo
@tylerkkelemen: MJ played against ice cream truck drivers and plumbers
@tylerjkelemen Tom Brady is a system quarterback
I bet you $407.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie

I will win I will win
I will win I will win
I will win I will win
I will win I will win
I will win I will win
I will win I will win

I hate when things take forever and a day. I don’t mind waiting forever. It’s the extra day that kills me
I got hit by a rental car. It Hertz
You can fool some of the people some of the time, but I fool all of the panelists all of the time
Hosting a new T.V. show about a village in the Netherlands “Around The Hoorn”
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