Woody’s Chalkboards (2010)

Quip Date Note
He's an angry elf Dec. 24, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Not now artic puffin! Dec. 24, 2010
Wuddy "The Elf" Dec. 24, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
I never get my mix all talked up Dec. 22, 2010
Cowlishaw's best moments are when he's muted Dec. 22, 2010 Cowlishaw = Tim Cowlishaw, another panelist on the show.
I went to school before there was history to study Dec. 22, 2010
I have a lot of time on my hands when I wear two watches Dec. 21, 2010
My mediocre is better than Plaschke's best Dec. 21, 2010 Plaschke = Bill Plaschke, another panelist on the show.
Jackie + Jemele: The two Dr. J’s Dec. 21, 2010 Jackie & Jemele = Jackie MacMullan and Jemele Hill, two other panelists on the show.
Sometimes I don't even understand me Dec. 17, 2010
O.S.H.A. mandate: Recall all mute buttons Dec. 17, 2010
I've said it a million times: I do not exaggerate Dec. 17, 2010
Some mistakes are to much fun too make only once Dec. 15, 2010
It's wrong to ever split an infinitive Dec. 15, 2010
I have a keen sense of rumor Dec. 15, 2010
Why is there an expiration day on sour cream? Dec. 14, 2010
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes totally disappears Dec. 14, 2010
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers turned on high Dec. 13, 2010
At my age, the happy hour is a nap Dec. 13, 2010
To write with a broken pencil is pointless Dec. 10, 2010
A plateau is a high form of flattery Dec. 10, 2010
The older I get, the better I was. Dec. 8, 2010
When in doubt, do what I do, mumble. Dec. 8, 2010
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Dec. 7, 2010
Who copyrighted the copyright system? Dec. 7, 2010
If you put “the” and “IRS” together, it spells “theirs” Dec. 6, 2010
Poets have been curiously silent about cheese Dec. 6, 2010
In case of emergency, speak in cliches. Dec. 6, 2010
Bad breath is better than no breath at all Dec. 3, 2010
Handkerchief: Cold storage Dec. 3, 2010
What do you call bears without ears? “B”? Dec. 3, 2010
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush. Dec. 2, 2010
Don’t worry about gift suggestions for Plaschke. He gets a toupee. Dec. 2, 2010
What should I get Tony for the holidays? wpaige@denverpost.com Dec. 2, 2010
My whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others Dec. 1, 2010
To err is human, to arr is pirate Dec. 1, 2010
Nothing lasts forever. Except a bad ATH. Nov. 30, 2010
Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed Nov. 30, 2010
I know an archeologist whose career is in ruins Nov. 30, 2010
Dormitory Dirty Room Nov. 29, 2010
Anagram Day: The eyes they see Nov. 29, 2010
I’m thankful for today’s 352nd win! Nov. 24, 2010
Thanksgiving: Not a good day to be my stomach Nov. 24, 2010
Tony loves the gizzards Nov. 24, 2010 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH.
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant. Nov. 23, 2010
How about never? Is never good for you? Nov. 23, 2010
What am I? Flypaper for freaks? Nov. 23, 2010
I’m not the best panelist, but I’m in the top 1 Nov. 22, 2010
And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction Nov. 22, 2010
Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies Nov. 22, 2010
False hope is nicer than no hope at all Nov. 19, 2010
Am I ambivalent? Yes and no. Nov. 19, 2010
I can’t get enough minimalism Nov. 18, 2010
Silence is golden; duct tape is silver Nov. 18, 2010
Broken guitar for sale. No strings attached. Nov. 18, 2010
Being young is a flaw that diminishes daily. Nov. 17, 2010
For people who long for peace and quiet: a phoneless cord Nov. 17, 2010
If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. Nov. 16, 2010
I have a stomach virus. “Alimentary” says Sherlock Holmes Nov. 16, 2010
In a bar, is it fall forward and spring back? Nov. 16, 2010
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Nov. 15, 2010
Back bold and beautiful Nov. 15, 2010
What disease did cured ham actually have? Nov. 5, 2010
Why is an actor IN a movie, but ON TV? Nov. 5, 2010
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. I just gargle. Nov. 5, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
If you try to fail and succeed at it, which have you done? Nov. 4, 2010
Do Roman paramedics refer to I.V.s as “4’s”? Nov. 4, 2010
Discrestion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice Nov. 4, 2010
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Nov. 3, 2010
The shortest distance between two points is under construction Nov. 3, 2010
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. Nov. 3, 2010
A boiled egg is hard to beat. Oct. 26, 2010
When a clock is hungry it goes back 4 seconds Oct. 26, 2010
Never do card tricks for your poker buddies Oct. 26, 2010
Tony is someone who always sees the bright side of your problem Oct. 25, 2010
Tony keeps complaining that I never listen to him…or something like that Oct. 25, 2010
Tony and I always comprimise. I admit I’m wrong, and he agrees with me. Oct. 25, 2010
To err is human, to blame it on Tony shows managerial potential Oct. 22, 2010
An NFL committee is a group doing the work of one Oct. 22, 2010
Trust me, but verify my NCLS stats Oct. 22, 2010
You’re never too old to learn something stupid Oct. 21, 2010
Worrying works. 90% of the things I worry about never happen. Oct. 21, 2010
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine Oct. 21, 2010
How do I draw a blank? Oct. 20, 2010
Make somebody happy.  Mind your own business. Oct. 20, 2010
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind. Oct. 20, 2010
I like your approach.  Now let me see your departure. Oct. 19, 2010
I’m validating my inherent distrust of strangers Oct. 19, 2010
Don’t make me call out the flying monkey Oct. 18, 2010
What would Scooby Doo? Oct. 18, 2010
I’m not as bad as people say. I’m much worse. Oct. 15, 2010
How come we say “tunafish” but not “beefmammal” or “chickenbird”? Oct. 15, 2010
I’m busy. Can I ignore you another time? Oct. 14, 2010
Thank you Tony! We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view Oct. 14, 2010
It’s easier to get older than to get wiser Oct. 14, 2010
How can there be self-help groups? Oct. 13, 2010
I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart Oct. 13, 2010
Bill sounds reasonable. I think it’s time to up my medication. Oct. 12, 2010 Bill = Bill Plaschke, another panelist on the show.
My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it’s gone Oct. 12, 2010
Thousands have lived without love, not one without ATH Oct. 11, 2010
When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? Oct. 11, 2010
You’re not yourself today Tony. I noticed the improvement immediately Oct. 11, 2010
Money can’t buy everything, but then again, neither can no money Oct. 8, 2010
Who am I calling stupid? Good question, what’s your name? Oct. 8, 2010
If stupidity was music, this show would be the band Oct. 8, 2010
I bought some powdered water but don’t know what to add Oct. 7, 2010
My watch is 2 hours fast, and I can’t fix it, so I’m moving back to NYC Oct. 7, 2010
I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… Oct. 7, 2010
Mother said there would be days like this, but she didn’t say there would be a decade Oct. 6, 2010
I like to leave messages before the beep Oct. 6, 2010
I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers other people because I use a megaphone Oct. 6, 2010
Not afraid of heights; afraid of widths Oct. 5, 2010
How come “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? Oct. 5, 2010
Eat 1 live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day Oct. 5, 2010
I have a map of the U.S. that’s life-sized 1 mile = 1 mile Oct. 4, 2010
I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company Oct. 4, 2010
He lost a button hole Oct. 4, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist Oct. 1, 2010
When I put my ear to a conch shell, I hear ATH Oct. 1, 2010
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep on beaches all over the world Oct. 1, 2010
Money doesn’t talk; it goes without saying Sep. 30, 2010
Judge: A law student who marks his own papers Sep. 30, 2010
Legend: A lie that has the dignity of age Sep. 30, 2010
Historian: An unsuccessful novelist Sep. 29, 2010
That’s a nice suit Tony. Who shines it for you? Sep. 29, 2010 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH.
If stupidity was music, I’d be a one man band Sep. 29, 2010
National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support Sep. 28, 2010
98% of the time I’m right. Why worry about the other half? Sep. 28, 2010
Don’t bother me.  I’m living happily ever after. Sep. 28, 2010
New and improved in 720p Sep. 27, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Count my pores Sep. 27, 2010
Now using HD-chalk Sep. 27, 2010 ATH is now in high definition
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion keeps everyone away Sep. 24, 2010
Living on Earth may be expensive but it includes a annual free trip around the sun Sep. 24, 2010 “a annual” [sic]
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one Sep. 24, 2010
If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Sep. 23, 2010
Cowlishaw is just doing a Weird Al parody of me Sep. 23, 2010
The less we know, the longer the explanation Sep. 23, 2010
Me doing ATH is found money Sep. 22, 2010
Plaschke actually thinks he’s cool Sep. 22, 2010
Being muted is time well spent Sep. 22, 2010
The cynics are right eleven out of ten times Sep. 21, 2010
I’m not afraid of work; you can tell by the way I fight it Sep. 21, 2010
Why are there 5 syllables in monosyllabic? Sep. 21, 2010
Stat Boy: A person who is good with numbers, but lacks personality Sep. 20, 2010 Tony Reali is “stat boy” on PTI.
Professor: A person who talks in someone else’s sleep Sep. 20, 2010
Lawyer: A person who writes a 10,000 word document called a brief Sep. 20, 2010
Consultant: A person who takes your watch and tells you the time Sep. 17, 2010
Accountant: Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing Sep. 17, 2010
Beware the fury of the patient panelist Sep. 16, 2010
No matter what goes wrong, there’s always someone who knew it would Sep. 16, 2010
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right Sep. 16, 2010
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other Sep. 15, 2010
Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing Sep. 15, 2010
If at first you don’t succeed, get a job on this show Sep. 14, 2010
If at first you don’t succeed, try management Sep. 14, 2010
If at first you don’t succeed, QUIT Sep. 14, 2010
If you want to know the value of money try to borrow some Sep. 13, 2010
You’re stressed when you can hear mimes Sep. 13, 2010
To err is human.  To admit it isn’t. Sep. 13, 2010
I asked my assistant to take a letter. He picked “R”. Sep. 10, 2010
Of course I don’t look busy, I got it right the first time. Sep. 10, 2010
I installed my DVR myself. Now I get movies on my vaccum. Sep. 10, 2010
Too much love is not even enough Sep. 9, 2010
He’s really tough.  He went to reform school on scholarship. Sep. 9, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be let out alone. Sep. 9, 2010
I walk everywhere for my health but I never find it Sep. 8, 2010
I never repeat gossip, so you better listen the first time Sep. 8, 2010
After four karate lessons, I can now break a board with my cast Sep. 8, 2010
1500 down 8973 togo Sep. 7, 2010
Tim (816) + Bill (684) = 1500 Sep. 7, 2010 Woody’s 1500th appearance on ATH.
Mr. 1500 Sep. 7, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody. It was his 1500th appearance on ATH.
The way I keep looking young is by hanging out with old people Sep. 3, 2010
A diamond is forever; the payments are longer. Sep. 3, 2010
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. Sep. 3, 2010
It matters not whether you win or lose; it matters whether or not I win or lose Sep. 2, 2010
I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle Sep. 2, 2010
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits Sep. 1, 2010
I’ve never understood decimals.  I can’t see the point. Sep. 1, 2010
We’ll all get along fine as soon as you realize I’m right Sep. 1, 2010
I do my daily exercises weekly Aug. 31, 2010
Nursery rhymes confuse me Aug. 31, 2010
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me Aug. 30, 2010
If you’re looking for me, I just left Aug. 30, 2010
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you Aug. 30, 2010
Don’t look at me in that tone of voice Aug. 19, 2010
Just say no to innuendo Aug. 19, 2010
I know you are, but what am I? Aug. 19, 2010
I don’t know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t matter anyway. Aug. 18, 2010
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. Aug. 18, 2010
I was behind when I showed up Aug. 13, 2010
Can I use my double points coupon today? Aug. 13, 2010
Werewolves are real; Dracula told me so Aug. 13, 2010
Closed until further notice Aug. 11, 2010
Send complaints to: ath@espn.com Aug. 11, 2010
Chalkboard shut down until Woody wins #335 Aug. 11, 2010
I never ever speak in absolutes Aug. 10, 2010
2 of the voices in my head don’t speak English Aug. 10, 2010
Lefties have rights too Aug. 9, 2010
Old magicians never die.  They just disappear. Aug. 9, 2010
Magic is a vanishing art Aug. 9, 2010
Can I pay my VISA off with my library card? Aug. 6, 2010
I shop like a bull. I charge everything. Aug. 6, 2010
My only domestic quality is that I live in a house Aug. 5, 2010
Don’t laugh. Someday I’ll be in charge. Aug. 5, 2010
It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you Aug. 4, 2010
If you can read this, thank your teacher Aug. 4, 2010
I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention. Aug. 3, 2010
Money is the root of all evil. I’m OK with evil. Aug. 3, 2010
I’m paid weekly. Very weakly. Aug. 3, 2010
Life’s too short to feel guilty Aug. 2, 2010
Only elephants should wear ivory Aug. 2, 2010
The rabbit lost to the tortoise by a hare Aug. 2, 2010
Chicken Little was the victim of fowl play Jul. 29, 2010
What happened to Humpty Dumpty was not an accident Jul. 29, 2010
10,339 career mutes Jul. 28, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
The mute is the highest form of disrespect Jul. 28, 2010
Tony mutes due to a lack of social graces Jul. 28, 2010
Mute if you love me Jul. 27, 2010
The muting will continue until morale improves Jul. 27, 2010
Since I gave up hope, I feel much better Jul. 26, 2010
I don’t lie, cheat or steal—unnecessarily Jul. 26, 2010
Panic now and avoid the rush Jul. 26, 2010
Don’t listen to me; I am confused Jul. 16, 2010
I’m sorry you have to see me like this Jul. 16, 2010
D.J.‘s mix it up Jul. 16, 2010
Never get in a spitting contest with a llama Jul. 15, 2010
Never turn your back on a charging turtle Jul. 15, 2010
In my family tree, I’m the sap Jul. 15, 2010
Keep talking I always yawn when I’m listening Jul. 14, 2010
Ordinary people live and learn. I just live. Jul. 14, 2010
If money can’t buy happiness, I guess you’ll just have to rent it Jul. 12, 2010
I can handle pain until it hurts Jul. 12, 2010
Live teddy bears are the best Jul. 12, 2010
I’m more like the Professor than the Skipper Jul. 9, 2010
I loved Lovey more than Ginger and Mary Ann Jul. 9, 2010
Everything I need to know I got from Gilligan’s Island Jul. 9, 2010
New Jersey Nyets dead yet? Way! Outlaw’s here Jul. 8, 2010
New King James version revealed tonight Jul. 8, 2010
It’s not what you say in your argument, it’s how loud you say it Jul. 7, 2010
The ultimate reason is “because” Jul. 7, 2010
I’m objective; I object to everything Jul. 7, 2010
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd Jul. 6, 2010
Abandon the search for truth; settle for a good fantasy Jul. 6, 2010
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly Jul. 6, 2010
Your lucky color has faded Jul. 5, 2010
No matter where you go, you’re almost there Jul. 5, 2010
Adults are just kids with money Jul. 1, 2010
My rules apply only to other people, not me Jul. 1, 2010
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. Jul. 1, 2010
Imagination is the foundation of reality Jun. 30, 2010
Why should I grow up? This is more fun! Jun. 30, 2010
Hugs don’t feel as good on the computer Jun. 29, 2010
Life without bears would be unbearable Jun. 29, 2010
No shirt no shoes bad service Jun. 28, 2010
In order to be somebody, you must first be yourself Jun. 28, 2010
Life is tough; get a helmet Jun. 28, 2010
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried Jun. 25, 2010
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door Jun. 25, 2010
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do Jun. 25, 2010
Producers must wash hands after ATH Jun. 24, 2010
Keep out, or you will be let in Jun. 24, 2010
Keep off the concrete Jun. 24, 2010
Please leave on your shoes Jun. 23, 2010
Beware of good dog Jun. 23, 2010
Trespassers will be hugged Jun. 23, 2010
You get what you settle for Jun. 22, 2010
Private sign do not read Jun. 22, 2010
It’s lonely at the top but you eat better Jun. 22, 2010
Either I get what I want or I change my mind Jun. 21, 2010
You can’t steal 2nd with your foot on 1st Jun. 21, 2010
You can’t fall off the floor Jun. 16, 2010
This space left intentionally blank Jun. 16, 2010
My mom thinks I’m at the library every day during this show Jun. 15, 2010
Now is not a good time to annoy me Jun. 15, 2010
Every show is the dawn of a new error Jun. 15, 2010
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong Jun. 14, 2010
Just because it’s a well-known fact doesn’t mean it’s true Jun. 14, 2010
The Internet is now closed. Please log off. Jun. 11, 2010
A well done medium is rare Jun. 11, 2010
Sit back and enjoy the chaos Jun. 11, 2010
I should have worn a helmet in little league Jun. 10, 2010
I’d win everyday if I was the only panelist Jun. 10, 2010
I fought Chuck Norris, and it was pretty much a draw Jun. 10, 2010
I use lead-based chalk! Jun. 9, 2010
Wanna do something? I’m board. Jun. 9, 2010
I might flip, but I won’t flop Jun. 9, 2010
ATH scoring is as legit as the WWE Jun. 8, 2010
Man at work Jun. 8, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody. [pic]
Donuts make the best bracelets Jun. 8, 2010
I’ve tested positive for geneius Jun. 7, 2010 “geneius” [sic] [pic]
My best friends are imaginary Jun. 7, 2010
Blackboard is a free agent Jun. 7, 2010
I’d be better off without this guy Jun. 4, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Woody is nothing without me Jun. 4, 2010
I’m on a hunger strike in between meals Jun. 3, 2010
I can’t even afford a poorboy sandwich Jun. 3, 2010
My get up and go got up and went Jun. 3, 2010
Yelling is the only exercise I get Jun. 2, 2010
I wasn’t late today; I was early for tomorrow Jun. 2, 2010
I want to supply my own questions Jun. 1, 2010
I’ll bet you a dollar you read this Jun. 1, 2010
I’ve tried all the early bird specials Jun. 1, 2010
When alone, I’m the smartest person in the room May. 28, 2010
Last night I dreamed I had insomnia May. 28, 2010
The mute button violates the first amendment May. 27, 2010
The fun stops here May. 27, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
5 out of 4 dentists recommend ATH May. 27, 2010
The panel needs a mute button May. 26, 2010
Chalk is cheap May. 26, 2010
Blackboard chalks in its sleep May. 25, 2010
Faster than the speed of mute May. 25, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
I don’t care about apathetic people May. 24, 2010
Accountants can count on me! May. 24, 2010
Please explain the scoring system again May. 24, 2010
Authors always write me off May. 21, 2010
I’ll start listening when Cowlishaw stops talking May. 21, 2010 Cowlishaw = Tim Cowlishaw, another panelist on the show.
Scary thought: I’m the smart one on this panel May. 20, 2010
I don’t write incomplete sentences since the May. 20, 2010
I have fans in all 53 states May. 20, 2010
Confirmed on Mythbusters May. 19, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Advertise here: 1-800-555-HORN May. 19, 2010
Warning do not cross May. 19, 2010
What do hobbyists do for fun? May. 18, 2010
My 3 favorite months are Septober, Octember, and Decober May. 18, 2010
Back to life… back to Reali-ty May. 17, 2010
Reali should score on the curve May. 17, 2010 Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH.
I demand my 10% senior point allowance May. 17, 2010
If I am here to help others, what exactly are the others here for? May. 14, 2010
Do rose gardners play around the thorn? May. 14, 2010
A corndog is a hotdog with a delicious sweater May. 14, 2010
Unicorns are real; a leprechaun told me so May. 13, 2010
I’m against picketing; I just don’t know how to show it May. 13, 2010
I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube. May. 13, 2010
I think the freezer deserves a light, too May. 12, 2010
I am not repetitive or redundant May. 12, 2010
Everyone has a right to be stupid. I just abuse the privilege. May. 12, 2010
I’m not sure, but I think I don’t know May. 11, 2010
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant May. 11, 2010
Dorothy got lost in Oz because 3 men were giving her directions May. 10, 2010
Tell me what you believe, and I’ll tell you where you’re going wrong. May. 10, 2010
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. May. 10, 2010
Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas May. 7, 2010
Meetings: The practical alternative to work May. 7, 2010
A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours are wasted May. 7, 2010
A toast to bread, for without bread, there would be no toast May. 6, 2010
How do people with multiple personalities fill out their census papers? May. 6, 2010
The truth is out there. So what are you doing here! May. 6, 2010
I put the “fun” in disfunctional May. 5, 2010
My mind is closed for repairs May. 5, 2010
Now accepting coupons + compliments May. 5, 2010
I don’t live in fantasy; I only work there May. 4, 2010
Do catfish have nine lives? May. 4, 2010
If silence is a weapon, then I am defenseless! May. 4, 2010
Life takes its toll.  Bring change. May. 3, 2010
Young at heart, slightly older in other places May. 3, 2010
Chopped Cabbage May. 3, 2010
I was on a roll, until I slipped on the butter Apr. 30, 2010
How did the “Keep off the grass” signs get there? Apr. 30, 2010
When all is said and done, more is said than done Apr. 30, 2010
Citywide speling bee champ Apr. 29, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody [pic]
Doing this show is not really work, but it’s still considered a job Apr. 29, 2010
Due to lack of interest, today has been postponed Apr. 29, 2010
A single fact can spoil a good argument Apr. 28, 2010
It’s bad luck to be superstitious Apr. 28, 2010
I think, therefore I am overqualified Apr. 28, 2010
You’d be paranoid, too, if they were all out to get you Apr. 27, 2010
0 days without a Lost time accident Apr. 27, 2010
Don’t rush me, I’m making mistakes as fast as I can Apr. 26, 2010
Don’t you just hate rhetorical questions? Apr. 26, 2010 During the introductions, Woody held up three blackboards and said, “Here’s the secret…just like Lassie, we have four blackboards”. [pic]
The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant Apr. 23, 2010
No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message Apr. 23, 2010
It’s gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack Apr. 23, 2010
People laugh because I’m different, I laugh because they’re all the same Apr. 22, 2010
Math problems? Call 0800-[(12x)(-y3)]-xy2.3 Apr. 22, 2010
I don’t get even, I get odder. Apr. 22, 2010
Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof Apr. 21, 2010 Due to a power problem, my DVR wasn’t able to record ATH. Thanks to Jiayi for sending this to me.
Before they invented ESPN, what was the purpose of sports bar? Apr. 21, 2010 Due to a power problem, my DVR wasn’t able to record ATH. Thanks to Jiayi for sending this to me.
Before they invented blackboards, where did they write sayings? Apr. 20, 2010
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Apr. 20, 2010
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. Apr. 19, 2010
Bald Eagle: Large bird too vain to buy a hairpiece Apr. 19, 2010
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesday? Apr. 19, 2010
Loved by FEW Hated by MANY Feared by ALL Apr. 16, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody [pic]
Driveway: where you park; Parkway: Where you drive Apr. 16, 2010
Why is the building at the airport called “terminal”? Apr. 15, 2010
Why are they called buildings when they’re already built? Apr. 15, 2010
Why are they called apartments when they’re all stuck together? Apr. 15, 2010
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Apr. 14, 2010
I’m planning to be more spontaneous in the future Apr. 14, 2010
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Apr. 14, 2010
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking Apr. 13, 2010
Mind like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 39 states Apr. 13, 2010
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again Apr. 12, 2010
Sometimes when I’m alone, I Google myself. Apr. 12, 2010
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you Apr. 12, 2010
No President of the United States was an only child Apr. 2, 2010
The electric chair was invented by a dentist Apr. 2, 2010
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories (per hr) Apr. 2, 2010
OHW SI LARENEG ERULIAF, DNA YHW SI EH GNIDAER YM KSID? Apr. 1, 2010 “Who is general failure, and why is he reading my disk?”

For April Fools Day, ATH went backwards, starting with Woody winning the Showdown and moving backwards from there.
LETNI EDISNI… LOOF SI EDISTUO Apr. 1, 2010 “Intel inside… fool is outside”

For April Fools Day, ATH went backwards, starting with Woody winning the Showdown and moving backwards from there.
EHT NOITAMROFNI TNEW ATAD YAW Apr. 1, 2010 “The information went data way”
Arrow pointing away from Woody.

For April Fools Day, ATH went backwards, starting with Woody winning the Showdown and moving backwards from there.
Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawl symptoms Mar. 31, 2010
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines Mar. 31, 2010
Don’t listen to what I say; listen to what I mean Mar. 31, 2010
A calculator is a product you can count on! Mar. 30, 2010
Meantime: hate o’clock Mar. 30, 2010
The difference between a a champ and a chump is U Mar. 30, 2010 Double ‘A’ again [pic]
Dermatologists often make rash statements Mar. 29, 2010
My calendar’s days are numbered Mar. 29, 2010
I am built for sloppy, not for speed Mar. 29, 2010
Love means never winning at tennis Mar. 26, 2010
Pickle: Cucumber in trouble Mar. 26, 2010
Commentator: A talking spud Mar. 25, 2010
Baldness is the cure for dandruff Mar. 25, 2010
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted Mar. 24, 2010
Artist: What a TV director thinks he is Mar. 24, 2010
Sumo wrestling is survival of the fattest Mar. 23, 2010
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions Mar. 23, 2010
I have not yet begun to procrastinate Mar. 22, 2010
Don’t act like you’re not impressed Mar. 22, 2010
I am disappointment in you’re grammar Mar. 22, 2010
Who’s your paddy? Mar. 17, 2010
Not only am I perfect, I’m Irish too! Mar. 17, 2010
Are the voices in my head bothering you? Mar. 16, 2010
“I have a split personality” said Tony being frank Mar. 16, 2010
Better to understand a a little than to misunderstand a lot Mar. 16, 2010 Not sure if the double ‘A’ was intentional or a typo.
Nylons give women a run for their money Mar. 15, 2010
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter Mar. 15, 2010
Debate: Babble instead of battle Mar. 15, 2010
Mermaid: A deep she fish Mar. 12, 2010
Country music is three chords and the truth Mar. 12, 2010
My other car is a UFO Mar. 11, 2010
Relish today. Ketchup tomorrow. Mar. 11, 2010
Information fee know charge Mar. 11, 2010 [pic]
You can trust fiction, but not facts Mar. 10, 2010
Heavily medicated for your safety Mar. 10, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody [pic]
Thesaurus: A dinosaur with a big vocabulary Mar. 10, 2010
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen Mar. 9, 2010
I’m back by popular demand Mar. 9, 2010
Don’t talk unless you can improve the silence Mar. 8, 2010
Frankly, scallop, I don’t give a clam Mar. 8, 2010
*STAR* A performer who makes more than his or her agent Mar. 8, 2010
Hollywood Marriage: Much “I do” about nothing Mar. 5, 2010
Hollywood Pal: Someone who is always around when he needs you Mar. 5, 2010
Academy Awards: A place where everyone lets off esteem Mar. 5, 2010
Fine print: A clause for suspicion Mar. 4, 2010
I used to be indecisive, but I’m not sure now Mar. 4, 2010
ESP-N programming for psychics Mar. 4, 2010
Reali: Support your local search and rescue—get lost! Mar. 3, 2010 Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
Today’s subliminal message is: Mar. 3, 2010
The best things in life are duty-free Mar. 3, 2010
I plead contemporary insanity Mar. 2, 2010
I am not a pessimist, but my future looks bleak Mar. 2, 2010
Stop illitrissy now! Mar. 2, 2010
Hire a teenager now—while he still knows everything Mar. 1, 2010
I am logged in, therefore I am Mar. 1, 2010
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional Feb. 26, 2010
hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY? Feb. 26, 2010
Give blood—play hockey Feb. 26, 2010
Don’t confuse me with facts, my mind’s already cluttered enough! Feb. 25, 2010
Air pollution is a mist-demeaner Feb. 25, 2010
Archaeologists will date any old thing Feb. 25, 2010
Your lucky numbers are 1, 7, 19, 27, 30 Feb. 24, 2010
You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish Feb. 24, 2010
Who put a stop payment on my reality check? Feb. 24, 2010
Why does sour cream have an expiration date? Feb. 23, 2010
Worship me and we’ll get along just fine Feb. 23, 2010
My job is so secret - even I don’t know what it is Feb. 22, 2010
Bottomless pit of needs and wants Feb. 22, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody
All life’s answers are on this show Feb. 22, 2010
My 30 seconds next! Feb. 19, 2010 Woody did not win.
A pessimist is never disappointed Feb. 19, 2010
Adult child of alien invaders Feb. 19, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody [pic]
I got street crud Feb. 19, 2010
The next American idle Feb. 18, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody [pic]
4 out of 5 voices in my head say “Go for it” Feb. 18, 2010
A pediatrician is a doctor of little patience Feb. 17, 2010
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking Feb. 17, 2010
I fix tires for a flat rate Feb. 17, 2010
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds Feb. 16, 2010
Gasoline with carrot juice, you get beta mileage Feb. 16, 2010
316 Wins Feb. 15, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody
English kidney bank: Liverpool Feb. 15, 2010
When’s ATH win leader day? Feb. 15, 2010
Mess with me and you mess with the whole trailer park Feb. 15, 2010
Laissez le bon temp rouler Feb. 8, 2010 "Let the good times roll" (source)
Let Lombardi Gras begin Feb. 8, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl the day before.
Life’s a beach and so is Mariotti Feb. 5, 2010
My hotel room Feb. 5, 2010 Woody’s in Miami for the Super Bowl and had a little arrow pointing at a hotel in the background. [pic]
For lunch I had a Mark Cuban sandwich Feb. 4, 2010 Mark Cuban is the owner of the Dallas Mavericks. A cuban, aka cubano, is a type of sandwich (which is totally awesome!)
My view is better than Mariotti’s Feb. 4, 2010 Woody and Mariotti were in Miami and in the same studio.
I am Miami myami Feb. 4, 2010 Woody was in Miami for the Super Bowl. Woody and Mariotti were in the same studio and Mariotti claimed he was close enough to steal Woody’s chalkboard and that he was going to.
Cross-eyed teacher’s can’t control their pupils Feb. 3, 2010
Nature reserves are an eagle opportunity employer Feb. 3, 2010
Successful dieters might win the nobelly prize Feb. 3, 2010
Some people don’t like food going to waist Feb. 2, 2010
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red Feb. 2, 2010
314 wins Feb. 1, 2010 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Flying these days is a frisky business Feb. 1, 2010
7 days without a pun makes one weak Feb. 1, 2010 They did something really weird today...during ‘Buy or Sell’, Tony Reali was asking if they can remember a time when the senior bowl dropped someone’s stock more than this year’s did to Tim Tebow, and they cut in a clip of Woody from last Thursday’s ‘showdown’ saying, “Let's just move on, can we?”. In the clip, his chalkboard was as captured, but prior to that cut and after that cut, his chalkboard displayed today’s “pun”.
California smog test: can UCLA? Feb. 1, 2010
314 wins Jan. 28, 2010
A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability Jan. 28, 2010
Acupuncture is a jab well done Jan. 28, 2010
Small people are in short supply Jan. 28, 2010
What you seize is what you get Jan. 27, 2010
A hangover is the wrath of grapes Jan. 27, 2010 Woody added a scrolling digital sign under the chalkboard that said, "Send tweets to twitter.com/woodypaige"
Those who hate classical music have my symphony Jan. 26, 2010
2 silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Jan. 26, 2010
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon Jan. 25, 2010
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat Jan. 25, 2010
Skipping school to bungee jump will get you suspended Jan. 25, 2010
I didn’t escape. I got a day pass. Jan. 22, 2010
Love can be a touchy feely subject Jan. 22, 2010
An eye for an eye leaves the world blind Jan. 22, 2010
Coaches usually have a goal in mind Jan. 21, 2010
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts Jan. 21, 2010
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out Jan. 21, 2010
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress Jan. 20, 2010
Gardeners always know the ground rules Jan. 20, 2010
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion Jan. 20, 2010 There was a very small “BB” in the lower right corner of the blackboard. [pic]
I’m not lost, I just don’t know where I am Jan. 19, 2010
2 types of people: those who finish what they start and Jan. 19, 2010
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking Jan. 19, 2010
Rumors go in one ear and out of many mouths Jan. 18, 2010
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much Jan. 18, 2010
A word to the wise isn’t important. Words to the stupid host matter. Jan. 15, 2010
Computers can do things really fast, like get you angry Jan. 15, 2010
I must confess, I was born at a very early age Jan. 15, 2010
Everything I can’t find, I know is in a very secure place Jan. 14, 2010
Don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce Jan. 14, 2010
The best things in life are not things Jan. 13, 2010
I childproofed my house…but they still get in Jan. 13, 2010
The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open. Jan. 13, 2010
I don’t need no educashun Jan. 12, 2010
Criticizing is easy, watch me do it Jan. 12, 2010
Not to care for philosophy is to be a true philosopher Jan. 12, 2010
Never kick a man unless he’s down Jan. 11, 2010
Don’t make me call out my flying monkeys Jan. 11, 2010
I can resist everything except temptation Jan. 11, 2010
I’m sorry. My fault. I forgot you were chump-change. Jan. 8, 2010
I wear the pants in the family, and the brains on this show Jan. 8, 2010
Do not disturb. I’m disturbed enough already. Jan. 8, 2010
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I’m just visiting. Jan. 7, 2010
No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway. Jan. 7, 2010
Life is not a box of chocolates. It’s a bag of nuts. Jan. 6, 2010
Life in not a bowl of cherries. It’s the pits. Jan. 6, 2010
Life is not a cabaret. It’s a dive bar. Jan. 6, 2010 During the introduction, Woody claimed he would shave his beard if he could make it through the show without a mute. Tony immediately muted him.
I’m not as dumb as you look Tony Jan. 5, 2010 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH.
It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen Jan. 5, 2010
I’m not a rocket surgeon Jan. 5, 2010 During the opening, he revised his previous day's statement and declared that he would shave if Tony let him win once.
Abe Lincoln of ATH? Jan. 4, 2010
End of decade but not end of decadence Jan. 4, 2010
Resolution: No mutes in 2010 Jan. 4, 2010 During the introductions, Woody claimed he would not comb or shave until he won again. After the introductions, when asked about it, he claimed he would not comb or shave until he wins two in a row. (he sort of looks like an older Jim Gaffigan to me) [pic]