My childhood was awful. Forced to watch Lawrence Welk with parents
Is Tony my enemy? Asking for a friend

Note: Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH

You should eat 1,200 calories a day. More at night
Why does it cost $2 to put air in my tires? Inflation
More interested in night light than night life, baby
I’m not on vegan diet. Vegas diet. All-you-can-eat buffets
I just bought two copies of “How To Solve Half Of Your Problems In One Day”
I’m great at being patient. I just can’t do it for very long
Sting has disappeared. The Police have no lead
Happy New Year! Let’s get it right in 2019
I’m getting so old Santa looks young
Have a very merry cherry Eric Berry Christmas
You don’t appreciate something until it’s gone. For instance, toilet paper
My mind believes I’m 25. My humor suggests I’m 11. My body thinks I’m dead
To me, 72 is the new 40. 8:40 is the new midnight
Pack your junk in Amazon boxes and put on front porch. It’ll be gone today
I found something in my closet from 20 years ago that still fits. Scarf
When your doctor puts on rubber gloves, you do it, too
My toe’s only function is to hit furniture
If you’re buying Smart Water, it’s not working
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