I have a big to-do list today. I just don’t know who’s going to do it
Mind over matter does not matter, and I don’t mind
This chapstick I have on today is the balm!
I tried it at home

Note: Drawing of a man on fire [pic]

My parents should have let me run with scissors
Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed
Some people won’t admit to their faults. I would if I had any
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
I have so many sources I have to outsource them

My life is a box of chocolates…
left in the sun too long

I send telegrams. They don’t get hacked.
A convincing stick-on mustache is hard to pull off
I want to quit my bad habits, but I am no quitter!
I’ve never shot a gun; that would be a strange target
I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent
I actually am the enema of the American people
My problem is I dot my T’s and cross my eyes
I cannot convince my ducks to line up in a row

Why do they call the product “Depends”?
Depends on what?

I have two rules in life:

1. Write everything down
2. I forget number two
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