Woody’s Chalkboards (2017)

Quip Date Note
The guy who came up with the name for the fireplace wasn't very creative Dec. 20, 2017
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me : Dec. 20, 2017 Drawing of two turtles with wings
Christmas Spirits Dec. 19, 2017 Drawings of alcohol bottles [pic]
I believed in Santa. Then I didn't believe in Santa. Then I became Santa. Now I look like Santa Dec. 19, 2017
Elevator music is just awful on every level Dec. 13, 2017
I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities Dec. 13, 2017
If you're happy and you know it Dec. 12, 2017 drawing of a dinosaur with small arms [pic]
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful, of it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party Dec. 12, 2017
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, actually it's more of a wrap Dec. 11, 2017
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young. If they panic, you're old Dec. 11, 2017
555.5 wins Dec. 7, 2017
Note to self: Don't forget to write that note to yourself Dec. 7, 2017
I had my blood drawn today Dec. 5, 2017 drawing of a red blood cell [pic]
It's taken me awhile, but I think I'm ready to accept that it's not butter Dec. 5, 2017
Friday is my second favorite 'F' word. Floccinaucinihilipilification is my first Dec. 1, 2017 Dictionary.com got you covered: floccinaucinihilipilification
I'm a vol-in-tears Dec. 1, 2017
Everything I know in life, I learned from watching Howdy Doody Nov. 27, 2017
Of course I have no plan B. I never had a plan A Nov. 27, 2017
Black Friday: Nov. 22, 2017
Eat beef Nov. 22, 2017 Drawing of a turkey holding a sign [pic]
If you think there's nothing that's impossible, obviously you've never tried slamming a revolving door Nov. 16, 2017
I get knocked down all the time, but I always get right back up. Nov. 16, 2017 Drawing of bowling pins [pic]
Spoiler Alert! The milk in my fridge is 2 weeks past its expiration date Nov. 15, 2017
Name the triangles Nov. 15, 2017 [pic]
The meaning of life? The period between birth and death Nov. 6, 2017
The credit card company called me and said my bill was a year old. I said, "Happy Birthday!" Nov. 6, 2017
After exercising, I eat six doughnuts. Just kidding! I don't exercise Nov. 3, 2017
Today is World Sandwich Day. Eating a hot dog doesn't count, Mina Nov. 3, 2017
For those of you who didn't get the first chalkboard, it was a pumpkin and a knife. Get it? Pumpkin carving Oct. 30, 2017
Surprise me Oct. 30, 2017 [pic]
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror. As you might imagine, today is a big day for me Oct. 27, 2017
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he's disqualified Oct. 27, 2017
Procrastination is a good thing. You'll always have something to do tomorrow and nothing to do today Oct. 18, 2017
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself Oct. 18, 2017
I avoid cliches like the plague with every fiber of my being Oct. 16, 2017
People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome Oct. 16, 2017
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question with a joke? Oct. 13, 2017
Don't underestimate me...unless you're trying to guess my age or weight Oct. 13, 2017
Paper Jam Oct. 9, 2017 [pic]
Not only am I the master of suspsense, but I Oct. 9, 2017
There are two types of people in this world Oct. 2, 2017
Thoughts and prayers to all those effected by the tragedy in Las Vegas Oct. 2, 2017
Paisley Thursday is back by popular demand Sep. 28, 2017
Shoutout Winners: Sep. 28, 2017
I tried to change my password to beef_stew, but it wasn't stroganoff Sep. 27, 2017
I ate a shepard's pie for lunch. He was very upset about it. Sep. 27, 2017
That's not lint on my coat...well, maybe some Sep. 21, 2017
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them Sep. 21, 2017
I wish more people were at a loss for words Sep. 19, 2017
I was hooked on auctions after only going once...going twice Sep. 19, 2017
Don't forget, tonight, the Moon will be visable from Earth. The last time this happened was last night. Sep. 18, 2017
Shot 79 in gold yesterday. Improved my lie. Said I shot 71. Sep. 18, 2017
I'll admit, I'm not perfect, but what did the horse I rode in on do? Sep. 8, 2017
I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I was surprised "yell for help" wasn't on the list Sep. 8, 2017
My bucket list Sep. 7, 2017
Woody's Tip Of The Day: Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics Sep. 7, 2017
I was so poor I couldn't pay attention. So I'm stupid, too Aug. 29, 2017
I've gotten to that age where nothing fits right any more. Even my birthday suit needs ironing Aug. 29, 2017
Words will open a lot of doors for you. Push and pull Aug. 25, 2017
I woudln't be who I am if I wasn't what I am Aug. 25, 2017
Yesterday, I screwed in a lightbulb. Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke. Aug. 24, 2017
I love ATH viewers unconditionally, with a few conditions Aug. 24, 2017
Always remember to be nice to the people who have access to your toothbrush Aug. 23, 2017
Today, I broke my own personal record for most consecutive days lived Aug. 23, 2017
Full lunar eclipse of the blackboard Aug. 21, 2017 [pic]
Solar eclipse phases Aug. 21, 2017 [pic]
Don't let the solar eclipse darken your day Aug. 16, 2017
What really happens during a solar eclipse Aug. 16, 2017 [pic]
Mind over matter, except my mind doesn't matter Aug. 8, 2017
Eve said to Adam: "You've been like this since day 1." Aug. 8, 2017
Woody's Tip Of The Day: If you forget your date's name, take them to Starbucks Aug. 3, 2017
Goose bumps Aug. 3, 2017 [pic]
There are so many scams these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them Aug. 2, 2017
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me Aug. 2, 2017
Ice cream is cheaper than therapy Jul. 28, 2017
I used to be great at wordplay, once a pun a time Jul. 28, 2017
Breaking News - man in boxres leads police on brief chase Jul. 25, 2017 [pic]
I flunked 1st grade. Couldn't write between the lines Jul. 25, 2017 [pic]
Learn how to spell. Autocorrect isn't always write Jul. 24, 2017
I just bought a pack of toilet paper. That's $10 down the toilet Jul. 24, 2017
"When the heck did I say that?" - Simon Jul. 19, 2017
One of my many excellent qualities is how humble I am Jul. 19, 2017
I prefer my kale with a silent "K" Jul. 17, 2017
Using latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi Jul. 17, 2017
If something is worth doing, it's worth doing rihgt Jul. 11, 2017 sic
Reali thinks I pay no attention to him. I think that's what he said Jul. 11, 2017
You call them curse words, I call them sentence enhancers Jun. 28, 2017
If violets were burgandy, poetry would be much more challenging Jun. 28, 2017
Wrestling: A sport where people without pants fight for a belt Jun. 27, 2017
Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person. It's what you do after that defines you Jun. 27, 2017
The "I" before "E" rule is weird Jun. 26, 2017
It's 3:08PM. Wait a minute...no it's not Jun. 26, 2017
Polly needs a comeback Jun. 22, 2017 [pic]
Polly wants a facetime Jun. 22, 2017 [pic]
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know Jun. 14, 2017
The time travelers meeting scheduled for today will now be held last Thursday Jun. 14, 2017
(Na)16 Adam West Jun. 12, 2017 [pic]
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest Jun. 12, 2017
There are 2 reasons why I would never drink toilet water: number 1 and number 2 Jun. 7, 2017
Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge Jun. 7, 2017
Don't look Jun. 6, 2017 [pic]
The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven, says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers Jun. 6, 2017
Young at heart. Slightly older in other places Jun. 2, 2017
I lost the spelling bee because I couldn't spell 'covfefe\' Jun. 2, 2017
I have lots of hidden talents. I just can't find them May. 31, 2017
Never go to a doctor whose plants have died May. 31, 2017
They call it a "selfie" because "narcisseitie" is too hard to spell May. 17, 2017
Yes, it hurt when I fell from heaven May. 17, 2017
Today I'm giving my best opinion by telepathy...as you know May. 15, 2017
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually May. 15, 2017
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions May. 12, 2017
"Memory foam pillow fights": That's one fight you'll never forget May. 12, 2017
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving May. 9, 2017
I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really fast May. 9, 2017
My life coach just informed me that I didn't make the team May. 5, 2017
May the cinco be with you May. 5, 2017
Life is a soup, and I'm a fork May. 4, 2017
May the fourth be with you May. 4, 2017 [pic]
I want my tombstone to say, "It didn't make me stronger." Apr. 28, 2017
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five to six times just to be sure Apr. 28, 2017
With enough preparation, I can be very spontaneous Apr. 27, 2017
I hate it when I see an old person and realize they were a year behind me in school Apr. 27, 2017
If one piece of bacon takes nine minutes off your life, I should have died in 1953 Apr. 20, 2017
I am getting many offers from men wanting to be my driver, butler, etc. Obviously, they didn't quite get the meaning Apr. 20, 2017
I just burned 3,000 calories. I left the cookies in the oven too long. Apr. 18, 2017
I need professional help...a driver, a butler and a massage therapist Apr. 18, 2017
I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it Apr. 13, 2017
Starting today, whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits Reali Apr. 13, 2017 Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
Pasteurize: Too far to see Apr. 10, 2017
If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you'll weigh 75 pounds on Mars. You're not overewight, you're on the wrong planet. Apr. 10, 2017
Trattoria Il Panino's soup of the day: "Soup du jour" Apr. 5, 2017
Visit the bracket champ David Ledbury, at Trattoria Il Panino in Boston North End Apr. 5, 2017
I have a big to-do list today. I just don't know who's going to do it Apr. 3, 2017
Mind over matter does not matter, and I don't mind Apr. 3, 2017
This chapstick I have on today is the balm! Mar. 31, 2017
I tried it at home Mar. 31, 2017 Drawing of a man on fire [pic]
My parents should have let me run with scissors Mar. 27, 2017
Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed Mar. 27, 2017
Some people won't admit to their faults. I would if I had any Mar. 22, 2017
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke Mar. 22, 2017
I have so many sources I have to outsource them Mar. 20, 2017
My life is a box of chocolates...left in the sun too long Mar. 20, 2017
I send telegrams. They don't get hacked. Mar. 10, 2017
A convincing stick-on mustache is hard to pull off Mar. 10, 2017
I want to quit my bad habits, but I am no quitter! Mar. 9, 2017
I've never shot a gun; that would be a strange target Mar. 9, 2017
I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent Mar. 3, 2017
I actually am the enema of the American people Mar. 3, 2017
My problem is I dot my T's and cross my eyes Mar. 1, 2017
I cannot convince my ducks to line up in a row Mar. 1, 2017
Why do they call the product "Depends"? Depends on what? Feb. 23, 2017
I have two rules in life Feb. 23, 2017
Tony, would you like to buy a vowel Feb. 16, 2017 [pic]
Cowlishaw's brain has too many tabs open Feb. 16, 2017 Cowlishaw = Tim Cowlishaw, another panelist on the show
Do I have a date for Valentines Day? Yes. February 14th Feb. 14, 2017
I'm going to spend Valentines Day with my ex...box one Feb. 14, 2017
I only moisturize my hair under one condition Feb. 13, 2017
Frank, may the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are Feb. 13, 2017 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
New studio, old panelist Feb. 10, 2017
Volume control. I didn't come with that option Feb. 10, 2017
Time is precious. Waste it in a timely manner Feb. 8, 2017
Without me it's just aweso Feb. 8, 2017
Fountain of youth jokes never get old Jan. 30, 2017
I cirrusly love clouds Jan. 30, 2017
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people Jan. 27, 2017
Don't bring yarn and a needle to a battle of wits, Pablo Jan. 27, 2017 Pablo = Pablo Torre, another panelist on the show
When I cross my eyes, I can see your point more clearly Jan. 24, 2017
Breaking bad is how I start every show Jan. 24, 2017
I'm holding up my end of this bargin. The Paige guy isn't Jan. 19, 2017
I'm deep in thought, or deep in something Jan. 19, 2017
I'm having a space-themed party, but I still have to planet Jan. 17, 2017
That pen I borrowed from the bank was off the chain Jan. 17, 2017
Texans know how the defenders at the Alamo must have felt Jan. 13, 2017
I'm not superstitious on Friday the 13th, but I am a little stitious Jan. 13, 2017
I can't find a release date for Star Wars: Rogue Two Jan. 10, 2017
Often, instead of saying "for example", I'll say something such as "such as", for example Jan. 10, 2017
What if I told you you read this wrong? Jan. 5, 2017
Spelling is difficoult challanging hard Jan. 5, 2017
If you see me crying, it's because of my haircut Jan. 3, 2017
Sarcasm is an art. If it was a science, I'd have my PhD. Jan. 3, 2017