Woody’s Chalkboards

Producer checked my ears before the show. Found 40 cents.

Wish I had a quarter for every bad quarter of football I’ve seen this season.

I just hit my funny bone. It is not humerus.

I don’t think before I talk on ATH. I want to be surprised like you.

I drank 5 hour energy six hours ago. What now?

The college band drum major did not pass percussion protocol.

Biblical Sarah lived until she was 127. We should all be so lucky.

I do everything in moderation except moderation.

I wanted to run away from home. My dad said he would drive me.

Why would bottled water have an expiration date?

Big day planned. I think I’ll get my car, my teeth and my colon clened.

I’m poor now. I used to have dough when I worked for Wonder Bread.

I always go the extra mile. Then I drive back to the right exit.

My daily exercise is getting my legs into underwear.

So thrilled ATH was off for three weeks. I didn’t get muted once.

We were off so long I forgot how the scoring system works.

My idea of going out now is driving to the Walgreens pharmacy.

I started my two-week diet Tuesday. Finished it in six hours, 12 minutes.

Growing up was the worst idea I’ve ever had. So I haven’t.

Want my computer to respond: Nice try on password. Close enough.

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