Woody’s Chalkboards

I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart

Bill sounds reasonable. I think it’s time to up my medication.

Note: Bill = Bill Plaschke, another panelist on the show.

My mind works like lightning; one brilliant flash and it’s gone

Thousands have lived without love, not one without ATH

When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

You’re not yourself today Tony. I noticed the improvement immediately

Money can’t buy everything, but then again, neither can no money

Who am I calling stupid? Good question, what’s your name?

If stupidity was music, this show would be the band

I bought some powdered water but don’t know what to add

My watch is 2 hours fast, and I can’t fix it, so I’m moving back to NYC

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

Mother said there would be days like this, but she didn’t say there would be a decade

I like to leave messages before the beep

I talk to myself a lot, and it bothers other people because I use a megaphone

Not afraid of heights; afraid of widths

How come “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Eat 1 live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day

I have a map of the U.S. that's life-sized
1 mile = 1 mile

I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company

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