Glued my eyes shut. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Getting you forget-me-nots for valentine’s. Please remind me
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                My favorite times of every day, hands down, are 6:30
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                It’s unfair that you can mute me with your remote, too
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I’ve always wanted to be a monk, but got no chance
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I’ve just been voted to Hall of Mediocre (unanimously)
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Kindergarten cop got me for resisting a rest
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I miss NFL Runnerup Bowl. Titans-Packers? Who you got?
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Should I talk about sodium today? Na
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Math wiz daughter explained infinity to me. She went on forever
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I prefer monorails. I have a one-track mind
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                When Tony speaks Akkadian, he does like to Babylon
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Tony asked to imitate flamingo today, but I put my foot down
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I fell into upholstery machine, but I’m recovered
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Want to start pro hide-and-seek league, but good players are tough to find
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I just bought rare 17th century painting. I’m baroque
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Pay no attention to closed-captioning. Misquotes me
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                I’ve been nice this year Santa. Viewers might disagree
              
 
              
              
              
              
              
              
            
            
          
            
              
                
                Seems like I’m roasting on an open fire today