Woody’s Chalkboards

I wanted to run away and join the circus. My dad said he would drive me

My pet lizard has reptile dysfunction

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up

I do all my own stunts, but not intentionally

My childhood was awful. Forced to watch Lawrence Welk with parents

Is Tony my enemy? Asking for a friend

Note: Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH

You should eat 1,200 calories a day. More at night

Why does it cost $2 to put air in my tires? Inflation

More interested in night light than night life, baby

I’m not on vegan diet. Vegas diet. All-you-can-eat buffets

I just bought two copies of “How To Solve Half Of Your Problems In One Day”

I’m great at being patient. I just can’t do it for very long

Sting has disappeared. The Police have no lead

Happy New Year! Let’s get it right in 2019

I’m getting so old Santa looks young

Have a very merry cherry Eric Berry Christmas

You don’t appreciate something until it’s gone. For instance, toilet paper

My mind believes I’m 25. My humor suggests I’m 11. My body thinks I’m dead

To me, 72 is the new 40. 8:40 is the new midnight

Pack your junk in Amazon boxes and put on front porch. It’ll be gone today

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