Woody’s Chalkboards

My parents should have let me run with scissors

Every bad thing that happens today is a direct result of choosing to get out of bed

Some people won’t admit to their faults. I would if I had any

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

I have so many sources I have to outsource them

My life is a box of chocolates…
left in the sun too long

I send telegrams. They don’t get hacked.

A convincing stick-on mustache is hard to pull off

I want to quit my bad habits, but I am no quitter!

I’ve never shot a gun; that would be a strange target

I bet Rick Astley struggles with Lent

I actually am the enema of the American people

My problem is I dot my T’s and cross my eyes

I cannot convince my ducks to line up in a row

Why do they call the product “Depends”?
Depends on what?

I have two rules in life:

1. Write everything down

2. I forget number two

Tony, would you like to buy a vowel

Cowlishaw’s brain has too many tabs open

Note: Cowlishaw = Tim Cowlishaw, another panelist on the show

Do I have a date for Valentines Day? Yes. February 14th

I’m going to spend Valentines Day with my ex…box one

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