Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior
I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it
Consciousness: The annoying time between naps

New Program
Cash for spelunkers

Some people have a way with words, others not have way
Friction can be a drag sometimes
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I wouldn’t touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole

Note: 3.048 meters is 10 feet.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere
Karaoke is Japanese for “tone deaf”

Note: On a personal note, I hadn't seen/heard this one before. I guffawed and spilled water on myself when I read it.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago
My mind is like a steel trap—rusty and illegal in 37 states
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Beat the 5 o’clock rush, don’t go to work
Everybody repeat after me: “We are all individuals”

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
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