Woody’s Chalkboards (2018)

Quip Date Note
I'm getting so old Santa looks young Dec. 20, 2018
Have a very merry cherry Eric Berry Christmas Dec. 20, 2018
You don't appreciate something until it's gone. For instance, toilet paper Dec. 19, 2018
My mind believes I'm 25. My humor suggests I'm 11. My body thinks I'm dead Dec. 19, 2018
To me, 72 is the new 40. 8:40 is the new midnight Dec. 17, 2018
Pack your junk in Amazon boxes and put on front porch. It'll be gone today Dec. 17, 2018
I found something in my closet from 20 years ago that still fits. Scarf Dec. 13, 2018
When your doctor puts on rubber gloves, you do it, too Dec. 13, 2018
My toe's only function is to hit furniture Dec. 12, 2018
If you're buying Smart Water, it's not working Dec. 12, 2018
I do all my stunts on ATH Dec. 11, 2018 ATH = Around The Horn
Geologist Charles Darwin was a rock star Dec. 11, 2018
I'm not a mad scientist. I'm a PO'ed panelist Dec. 7, 2018
(Insert your own quote. I'm tired of doing it for you) Dec. 7, 2018
I'm allowed to by hypocritical, but you're not Dec. 6, 2018
Who invented the asterisk? Dec. 6, 2018
"I" before "E" except after "C". Scientists disagree Dec. 4, 2018
I thought about cutting my sodium intake but I was like, na Dec. 4, 2018
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do Nov. 30, 2018
I am the most humble guy you'll ever meet Nov. 30, 2018
I said, "Hey Alexa" to Siri, but she's giving me the silent treatment Nov. 29, 2018
I, for I, like roman numerals Nov. 29, 2018
I'd rather spend the day in Strawberry Fields than on Penny Lane Nov. 28, 2018
A bad analogy is like a bad analogy Nov. 28, 2018
Happy Thanksgiving turkeys Nov. 20, 2018
Please hand me a stick Nov. 20, 2018 [pic]
I like to break my Reece's pieces into real pieces Nov. 16, 2018
I like to break my Reece's pieces into real pieces Nov. 16, 2018
Can't ATH afford a chair for Reali? Nov. 15, 2018 Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH. The new ATH set has Reali standing and walking around
The door is ajar. The jar is never adoor Nov. 15, 2018
My origami startup folded Nov. 13, 2018
I needed a xray on my wrist. Couldn't get into hospital, so went to airport Nov. 13, 2018
Don't you despise someone who answers his own questions? I do Nov. 8, 2018
Nothing makes me happier than winning ATH. I always get nothing Nov. 8, 2018
Spoiler alert! Milk in my refrigerator for 3 months Nov. 7, 2018
Invisible fan wants to meet me today. I can't see him Nov. 7, 2018
Met a man named wi-fi. But we had no connection Nov. 5, 2018
My two favorite words: senior discount Nov. 5, 2018
Should my daughter tell her dog he's adopted? Nov. 2, 2018
Pavlov always forgot to feed his dog Nov. 2, 2018
I bought a puzzle that said 2-6 years. I did it in 1 Nov. 1, 2018
Tequila, it's what's for dinner! Nov. 1, 2018
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot Oct. 30, 2018
I was diagnosed as color blind. It came completely out of the green Oct. 30, 2018
Welcome, Jorge fresh meat-and-greet-and-beat love, 576.5 Oct. 19, 2018 Jorge = Jorge Sedano, a new panelist on the show.
Pilates? I thought you said pies and lattes Oct. 19, 2018
If you don't like the blackboard put duct tape over that part of the TV Oct. 18, 2018
I play a mean game of pickleball. I'm considered a big dill Oct. 18, 2018
Sign on my TV: "Built in antenna". What is that country? Oct. 16, 2018
I used to be apathetic. Now I just don't care anymore Oct. 16, 2018
Sarah has me confused with someone who cares about her opinion Oct. 12, 2018 Sarah = Sarah Spain, another panelist on the show
I wear throw-back clothes every day. That's all I have in the closet Oct. 12, 2018
My younger sister wanted to be an only child Oct. 11, 2018
Guy asked to be friends again. I said, "Why make the same mistake twice?" Oct. 11, 2018
Snowing in Denver. I took the bus today. I hope the police don't find it Oct. 10, 2018
I got the flu shot today. Yep, got flu. Should have gotten anti-flu shot Oct. 10, 2018
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know Oct. 9, 2018
I'm a huge fan of space. Both outer and personal Oct. 9, 2018
The older I get, the earlier it gets late Oct. 5, 2018
Just bought some Halloween candy that won't make it to Halloween Oct. 5, 2018
I like Switzerland's flag Oct. 3, 2018
I called a psychic for an interview. He said I won't show up Oct. 3, 2018
Why buy a bed when it's so easy to fall asleep on a sofa? Oct. 1, 2018
Smoke detectors batteries always die and squeak at 3 A.M. Oct. 1, 2018
I like extra fries more than exercise Sep. 28, 2018
I favor exorcism over exercise Sep. 28, 2018
I'm no good at math. Go figure Sep. 26, 2018
Was fired by cement company, but wasn't given a concrete reason Sep. 26, 2018
Dreamed last night I ate a pillow. Woke up with cotton mouth Sep. 24, 2018
When playing in Canada you have to bring eh game Sep. 24, 2018
If 3 of 4 people suffer with cavities, does the other enjoy them? Sep. 21, 2018
I shot my age in golf on my birthday. I quit after 12 holes Sep. 21, 2018
Because a broker invested my money I'm broker Sep. 20, 2018
Electrician sent me a bill for $2,000. I was shocked Sep. 20, 2018
Boomerang I threw yesterday hasn't come back. I'm scared Sep. 19, 2018
National Pirate Day! Willie St-aargh-ell my favorite Sep. 19, 2018
I just bought a reversible jacket. Let's see how this turns out Sep. 14, 2018
First on my bucket list is a new bucket Sep. 14, 2018
Gave Tony gluestick instead of chapstick. He won't talk to me Sep. 11, 2018
Tony asks some ridiculous questions. Right up my alley Sep. 11, 2018 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
I threw a rock 5,280 feet. That's a real milestone Sep. 6, 2018
I'm an awful mind reader. Telepathetic Sep. 6, 2018
I'm going for 5,000 shows on my 99th birthday Sep. 4, 2018
2,500th ATH appearance. First one seems like only 17 years ago Sep. 4, 2018
I detest peer pressure. You must, too Aug. 31, 2018
Takes me four times to insert USB right side up Aug. 31, 2018
Kate Fagan 5-9 Guard Aug. 30, 2018 Pic of Kate Fagan (another panelist on the show) playing basketball [pic]
Sarcasm is an acquired art form Aug. 30, 2018
Good thing my phone is smart. I'm not Aug. 28, 2018
I have a lot on my plate. Not busy. Just hungry. Aug. 28, 2018
Any port in a storm. Any porta-potty at a concert Aug. 14, 2018
I need new friend. I'm down to none Aug. 14, 2018
Memo to J.D. the ATH director: Nobody wants to see my pores Aug. 13, 2018
Why question the intentions of a road-crossing chicken? Aug. 13, 2018
My plant died. My other plant photosympathized Aug. 7, 2018
I have a license to carry plastic straws Aug. 7, 2018
I used to make a fortune selling tires. Those were the goodyears Aug. 3, 2018
If you can read this see your ophthalmologist Aug. 3, 2018 Written with squiggly letters [pic]
Stop me if you've seen this chalkboard before Aug. 2, 2018
I speak loudly and carry a big shtick Aug. 2, 2018
Tony, don't make me stop this car Jul. 31, 2018 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
No showdown today. I'm late for early buffet discount Jul. 31, 2018
I'm about to put "out of order" sticker on forehead and leave ATH for weekend Jul. 27, 2018
Because I'm old had to put bar in shower. Fully stocked Jul. 27, 2018
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Jul. 26, 2018
I donut know what Krispy Kreme would do without glaze Jul. 26, 2018
Is Popeye's chicken fried in olive oyl? Jul. 24, 2018
What if the early bird hates to eat worms? Jul. 24, 2018
You can stay on my lawn, but get off my back Jul. 19, 2018
Get off my lawn unless you want to mow it Jul. 19, 2018
Saw Imagine Dragons last night. Imagine how I'm draggin' today Jul. 17, 2018
A hangover is the wrath of grapes Jul. 17, 2018
Does sneeze guard really make us feel better about buffet line? Jul. 12, 2018
I thought "Goodwill Hunting" meant me shopping for clothes Jul. 12, 2018
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Ten-ish Jul. 11, 2018
I'm a bank teller. I call banks and tell them stuff Jul. 11, 2018
Only you can control your narcissism. Jul. 10, 2018
You know what they say about cliffhangers... Jul. 10, 2018
I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore Jul. 9, 2018
I've been thinking about writing a mystery novel, or have I? Jul. 9, 2018
Office meetings stink. I don't like coffee, pastries and my co-workers Jun. 26, 2018
Do the Danish like to eat danish? Spanish peanuts? English toffee? Germans chocolate cake? Jun. 26, 2018
I'm addicted to donuts. It's a vicious circle Jun. 25, 2018
Are rice cakes made out of styrofoam? Jun. 25, 2018
My toilet was stolen. I don't know who. I have nothing to go on Jun. 21, 2018
Got a job at a fire hydrant store, but have nowhere to park Jun. 21, 2018
Don't send me puns. Toucan play at that game Jun. 15, 2018
Short psychic escapes prison. Small medium at large Jun. 15, 2018
Dated a philosopher. She didn't even know if I existed Jun. 13, 2018
Dated a woman who works at the zoo. She's a keeper Jun. 13, 2018
My Google was Dewey Decimal System Jun. 8, 2018
Once in a great while someone amazing comes along. Here I am Jun. 8, 2018
I do crunches every day. Usually Nestle or Captain Jun. 7, 2018
Sorry Sarah Jun. 7, 2018 Sarah = Sarah Spain, another panelist on the show [pic]
Was going to give Plaschke a nasty look today, but he already has one Jun. 6, 2018 Plaschke = Bill Plaschke, another panelist on the show
In Canada 50 Cent is called 64 Cent Jun. 6, 2018
My blood type is B positive. Sarah's is be negative Jun. 5, 2018 Sarah = Sarah Spain, another panelist on the show
My dog was chasing a man on bike. I didn't know Skippy owned a bike Jun. 5, 2018
At family potluck picnics I'm asked to bring paper towels May. 29, 2018
NBA Finals? Blah. I'm headed to my 5th straight showdown May. 29, 2018
I bless the rains down in Africa May. 28, 2018
Land of the free because of the brave who served and died May. 28, 2018
Jokes about bad pole vaulters don't seem to go over very well May. 25, 2018
To be frank, I'd have to change my name May. 25, 2018
The best thing about the good old days, is that I was never good or old May. 23, 2018
With great reflexes, comes great response ability May. 23, 2018
I think we're in for a bad spell of wether May. 22, 2018
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar...no strings attached May. 22, 2018
It's National Idaho Day. Love the Gem State. Gym state? Jim State? Potato State? May. 17, 2018
On ATH it's not the heat, but the humility May. 17, 2018
I just chalk it up to another bad day at ATH May. 14, 2018
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult May. 14, 2018
I came; I saw; I forgot what I was doing here May. 10, 2018
I have 39 unmatched socks. Please advise. May. 10, 2018
I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember May. 8, 2018
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them May. 8, 2018
Spent 25 minutes looking for my phone in car, using flashlight on my phone May. 4, 2018
Anagram for Woody Paige is aged poi yow. Hawaiian dish May. 4, 2018
My daughter introduces me as her friend's grandfather May. 1, 2018
I don't have an expiration date on my body. Don't know if that's good or bad May. 1, 2018
There's no "I" in denial Apr. 24, 2018
Records made to be broken. 1,935 losses on ATH never will be, sadly Apr. 24, 2018
The center of the universe has been discovered. I am it Apr. 20, 2018
Just tried to do a cartwheel. I'ts not like riding a bike Apr. 20, 2018 "I'ts" [sic]
Every time I find the key to success, someone changes the lock Apr. 19, 2018
One of the best things about being forgetful is Apr. 19, 2018
Still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age Apr. 17, 2018
I got my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thanks." I said, "Don't mention it" Apr. 17, 2018
I buy organic vegetables, but when I get home they're donuts Apr. 13, 2018
If your dog barks during ATH, tell him to roll over and play Pablo Apr. 13, 2018
@tylerkkelemen: MJ played against ice cream truck drivers and plumbers Apr. 10, 2018
@tylerjkelemen Tom Brady is a system quarterback Apr. 10, 2018
I bet you $407.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie Apr. 3, 2018
I will win I will win Apr. 3, 2018
I hate when things take forever and a day. I don't mind waiting forever. It's the extra day that kills me Apr. 2, 2018
I got hit by a rental car. It Hertz Apr. 2, 2018
You can fool some of the people some of the time, but I fool all of the panelists all of the time Mar. 30, 2018
Hosting a new T.V. show about a village in the Netherlands "Around The Hoorn" Mar. 30, 2018
Where there is love, there is live...insurance Mar. 28, 2018
Sequel: Three chalkboards outside Tony Reali's apartment Mar. 28, 2018
Every time Tony gives me a point, an angel gets her wings. She has to walk today Mar. 22, 2018
Fear of ghost who uses puns is paranomasia Mar. 22, 2018
You know where I'm at, you know where I be Mar. 21, 2018 Clinton Yates was the panelist from Denver, but had Woody's chalkboard up
Follow #SnoopKaws Insta & Twitter @snoopkaws Mar. 21, 2018 Clinton Yates was the panelist from Denver, but had Woody's chalkboard up
Dance with your dogs in the nighttime Mar. 20, 2018 Clinton Yates was the panelist from Denver, but had Woody's chalkboard up
Better POTUS name? Woodrow or Clinton Mar. 20, 2018 Clinton Yates was the panelist from Denver, but had Woody's chalkboard up
When I retire from ATH, it will be the end of an error Mar. 19, 2018
I'm on the "OS" diet. I only eat tacos, burritos, Cheetos, Cheerios, Fritos, Oreos and potatoes. I've gained 12 pounds Mar. 19, 2018
In my bracket, I'm picking only chalk Mar. 14, 2018
Beware the ides of March Madness, Caesar Mar. 14, 2018
Think Tony will be fair to me today? Me, neither Mar. 13, 2018
Everything I know I learned from Captain Kangaroo Mar. 13, 2018
Will he be called for offensive pass interference? (drum roll) Mar. 9, 2018
Horse named Rob Gronkowski qualifies for Kentucky Derby (to be continued) Mar. 9, 2018
I think, therefore I am, I think Mar. 8, 2018
ATH Director is the best in the business. I'm ready for my close-up J.D. Mar. 8, 2018
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts Mar. 6, 2018
Nobody is perfect, and I am nobody Mar. 6, 2018
I was about to tell a joke about time traveling, but you guys didn't like it Feb. 28, 2018
Someone stole my coffee cup. Now I have to go to the police station and look at mug shots Feb. 28, 2018
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers, but every time the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back Feb. 27, 2018
I'm opening up a new place selling synonym twirls Feb. 27, 2018
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all of his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?" Feb. 22, 2018
Creating a new TV show about hammerhead losing on purpose: Shark Tanking Feb. 22, 2018
My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and has never had a customer. All that time and nothing to chauffeur it Feb. 19, 2018
President's Day is just a sad reminder my wallet is filled with pictures of only the first one Feb. 19, 2018
According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary issues" Feb. 16, 2018
I'm not the type of person to distance myself from anything...far from it Feb. 16, 2018
Keyara Allen, would you please go to the union springs prom with me? Feb. 15, 2018
Chalkboard available for birthday parties. I'll bring the clown Feb. 15, 2018 Arrow pointing at Woody
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. How the stables have turned Feb. 8, 2018
A lot of conflict in the wild west could have been avoided if they had built their towns big enough for another person Feb. 8, 2018
I just had a once in a lifetime experience. I'll never be doing that again Feb. 1, 2018
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2AM. Can you believe it, 2AM? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums Feb. 1, 2018
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me Jan. 31, 2018
Nothing good happens at 3AM, including my sleep Jan. 31, 2018
6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down Jan. 29, 2018
I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it Jan. 29, 2018
Why do they put 4 wheels on shopping carts when only 3 of them ever work? Jan. 24, 2018
If I've told you once I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate! Jan. 24, 2018
If you can read this Jan. 23, 2018
I insist on prefection Jan. 23, 2018
Beard, clean-shaven or paper bag? Jan. 18, 2018
These days teens wash their own mouths out with soap Jan. 18, 2018
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it Jan. 15, 2018
Woody's Tip Of The Day: Jan. 15, 2018
When someone yells "Stop." I never know if it's in the name of love, if it's hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen Jan. 12, 2018
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside Jan. 12, 2018
I said it once, and I'll say it again. It. Jan. 3, 2018
My New Year's Resolutions: Jan. 3, 2018