Woody’s Chalkboards (2015)

Quip Date Note
Auld Lang Syne confusing people since 1787 Dec. 24, 2015
May all of your worries last as long as your new years resolutions Dec. 24, 2015
Conclusion: The part of the paper when you get tired of thinking Dec. 18, 2015
Today's hairstyle is called 'I tried, but failed' Dec. 18, 2015
An upside down poet writes inverse Dec. 16, 2015
If you order cottage cheese for dinner, do you order off the la curd menu Dec. 16, 2015
It's still stationary no matter how far you push the envelope Dec. 15, 2015
The septic tank failed at the sausage shop. It was the wurst smell ever. Dec. 15, 2015
I'd tell you a joke about air conditioners, but you're probably not a fan Dec. 10, 2015
Sloppy grey hair is better than slicked back hair or no hair Dec. 10, 2015
Sir Cumference was the most well rounded knight at Arthur's round table Dec. 8, 2015
Chemistree Oh! Chemistree Dec. 8, 2015 [pic]
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned; couldn't concentrate Dec. 4, 2015
I was messing around during the conference call today. I hope today is a hail mary. Dec. 4, 2015
With great power comes great electricity bill Dec. 1, 2015
Urology department, can I put you on hold? Dec. 1, 2015
I always play mega dimes. Big winner yesterday; 80 cents Nov. 30, 2015
A guy just threw a glass of milk at me. How dairy? Nov. 30, 2015
1. Give everyone their own whipcream bottle. 2. Stuff turkey with money Nov. 25, 2015
I've worn makeup on TV for 13 years; now I just wear it all the time Nov. 25, 2015
If I score 80 points today, I will dedicate my win to 2006 Kobe Nov. 25, 2015
At what age is it appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted Nov. 24, 2015
Taking a midnight swim in one of the great lakes would be a bit erie Nov. 24, 2015
In company meetings, turn off your phone and your mind Nov. 20, 2015
Velcro: A rip-off if you ask me Nov. 20, 2015
What a coincidence. My IQ and my golf handicap are the same Nov. 19, 2015
Frank S. Hola! Nov. 19, 2015
Ronda Rousey Down and deFEETed Nov. 16, 2015
Tony went to Fordham; I went to Chevyham Nov. 16, 2015
There's a 'P' in ESPN for a reason. Hello! Nov. 13, 2015
There's a reason you never see the producer Nov. 13, 2015
Do competitive origami artists fold under pressure? Nov. 12, 2015
Orion's belt is just a big waste of space Nov. 12, 2015
A tree may not make a sound when it falls in the woods, but it sure leaves a mark Nov. 10, 2015
No one can hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom because the 'P' is silent Nov. 10, 2015
ATH stands for 'All time host.' Points Tony Nov. 4, 2015 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
After 13 years and 500 wins I think I deserve tenure. Nov. 4, 2015
Ways to Write Good Nov. 2, 2015
Party at Frank's house. He has his own pool...cue Nov. 2, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
I always run at the mouth of a river Oct. 28, 2015
I have only two rules: valet parking and no salad bars Oct. 28, 2015
Frank is a man without an island; he lives in Brooklyn Oct. 26, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
Cowlishaw is all Texas - all hat, no good answers Oct. 26, 2015 Cowlishaw = Tim Cowlishaw, another panelist on the show
I got muted in school also Oct. 22, 2015
I was voted least likely to succeed. The students were right. Oct. 22, 2015
Tweet me bad stuff; I know where you live Oct. 20, 2015
My Twitter handle is @leavemealone Oct. 20, 2015
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer Oct. 16, 2015
How do you organize a space party you planet Oct. 15, 2015
I guarantee I won't make 3 errors today Oct. 15, 2015
I wonder if Peyton has a self-sack dance? Oct. 12, 2015
At least 2% of my wins were aided by the Earth's rotation Oct. 12, 2015
Today, I'm going ahead to the past Oct. 8, 2015
Marty McFly gets here in thirteen days! Prepare yourselves Oct. 8, 2015
Back to the Future II predicted the Cubs. So am I. Oct. 8, 2015
I'm torn between Yogi Bear and Deputy Dawg Oct. 7, 2015
I lead ATH in wins and first eliminations Oct. 7, 2015
Tony reminds me of big bird the grouch Oct. 7, 2015
JD the director is my homeboy; I'm ready for my closeup Oct. 6, 2015
I was hoping Pablo was the host today Oct. 6, 2015
I took Latin in high school, but it was all Greek to me Oct. 2, 2015
My parents moved, but wouldn't tell me where Oct. 2, 2015
Bad combination: sleeping in the nude and sleep walking Oct. 2, 2015
My hair ignores me and your emails Sep. 28, 2015
I offer good opinions and false advertising Sep. 28, 2015
I'm not old enough to get muted Sep. 28, 2015
No good story starts with, 'I was eating a salad when...' Sep. 25, 2015
Hey Pope Francis, do you want to come over and watch football? Sep. 25, 2015
So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face. -- Yogi Berra Sep. 23, 2015
I never said most of the things I said. -- Yogi Berra Sep. 23, 2015
I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4. -- Yogi Berra Sep. 23, 2015
I saw a big fight at a seafood restaurant; three fish got battered Sep. 22, 2015
If I ignore my producer, is that considered freelancing? Sep. 22, 2015
Tony, let me speak, or the voices in my head will have to intervene Sep. 22, 2015
I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but I realized it was a fanta sea Sep. 16, 2015
Float like a bee. Sting also like a bee Sep. 16, 2015
I'm healthy, except for this persistent cough Sep. 16, 2015
I just bought some of pirate.com for a buck an ear Sep. 15, 2015
So tell me my happy place was condemned Sep. 15, 2015
When I'm in England my breakfast of choice is cheerios Sep. 15, 2015
I've been to the dentist; I know the drill Sep. 10, 2015
Paige Automotive Free Alignment Sep. 10, 2015
If I root for the Steeler's tonight, is it unpatriotic? Sep. 10, 2015
More impressive: 501.5 wins or the calendar slam? Sep. 9, 2015
Hey Frank, I had David steal your notes for today's show. You're going down Sep. 9, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
I would tell you a joke about UPS, but I'm not sure you would get it Sep. 4, 2015
I saw a brief police chase on TV. The suspect was in his boxers. Sep. 4, 2015
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it Aug. 17, 2015
My night light died; so did my night life Aug. 17, 2015
The first 500.5 were the easiest Aug. 17, 2015
You have to be odd to be number one. -- Dr. Seuss Aug. 13, 2015
Secret Tip: If you check out all of the books in a library, you can start your own library Aug. 13, 2015
Geno Smith Straight Outta Teeth Aug. 13, 2015 [pic]
If you need to find a high tech toilet, just search for its IP address Aug. 12, 2015
I went to the store for eight Sprites. I got home and realized I picked seven up instead. Aug. 12, 2015
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji Aug. 12, 2015
I knew a lady who had a taser; man, was she stunning Aug. 7, 2015
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds Aug. 7, 2015
How does the man in the moon cut is hair? Eclipse it Aug. 6, 2015
With great power, comes great electricity bills Aug. 6, 2015
A guy just threw milk at me...how dairy Aug. 6, 2015
The most you can expect from me is unconditional *like* Aug. 4, 2015
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does Aug. 4, 2015
When in doubt, mumble Aug. 4, 2015
I'm not tense; I'm just terribly alert Aug. 3, 2015
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture Aug. 3, 2015
Is there a Rosetta Stone for learning to talk Starbucks? Jul. 30, 2015
Sometimes I just want to go where all the missing socks go Jul. 30, 2015
The older I get, the more I lose my looks, but I also lose my eyesight. So it evens out. Jul. 29, 2015
That light at the end of the tunnel is the fridge light at 2 a.m. Jul. 29, 2015
I am known at the gym as the 'before picture' Jul. 29, 2015
I wonder if turtles think frogs are homeless? Jul. 28, 2015
My fitness band congratulated me on hitting my steps goal. It looks great on the cat. Jul. 28, 2015
Adam and Eve: First to agree with the apple terms & conditions without reading them Jul. 22, 2015
There is really no manly way to carry balloons Jul. 22, 2015
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think Oh man! It's the cops? Jul. 20, 2015
I suppose you could call me an avid indoorsman Jul. 20, 2015
ZACH ATTACK!!! Jul. 20, 2015
When you have the chance to be a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious Jul. 10, 2015
If you want to join my Scrabble club, I could put in a good word for you Jul. 10, 2015
We are all time traveler's moving at exactly 60 minutes per hour Jul. 9, 2015
Nothing affects average margin of victory like the mute button Jul. 9, 2015
Frank is not a Facebook status; you don't have to like him Jul. 9, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
I'm actually not old; I'm 25 plus shipping and handling Jul. 7, 2015
There are two rules to success Jul. 7, 2015
A man tried to sell me a coffin the other day, but that's the last thing I need Jun. 30, 2015
"Free agent" is an oxymoron Jun. 30, 2015
Iv'e decided to opt out of my contract. I am officially on the market. -- Chalkboard Jun. 30, 2015 Iv'e [sic] [pic]
Birthdays are cool, but 69 of them isn't good for you Jun. 26, 2015
My job is secure. Who else would want to hang over his shoulders for 12 years? Jun. 26, 2015 Arrow pointing at Woody.
Tony, if we were NBA draft prospects, which panelist would draw the most boos? Jun. 26, 2015 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH.
I've got a good knock-knock joke, but you have to start. Jun. 22, 2015
The affect of bad grammar can effect my mood Jun. 22, 2015
If I had three chances every showdown, I'd be to 500 wins by now. #U.S.OPEN Jun. 22, 2015
Where do I submit my application for Cavs head coach? -- Chalkboard Jun. 19, 2015
I've always wanted to play golf like Tiger. Now I can. -- Chalkboard Jun. 19, 2015
Dentists clean unhealthy teeth so I don't trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them recommend Jun. 16, 2015
Calligraphy is an idea that looked good on paper Jun. 16, 2015
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you believe in yourself Jun. 16, 2015
Prepositions are not words to end a sentence with Jun. 11, 2015
They say third time's a charm, unless you're going for 500 wins Jun. 11, 2015
I love my body parts, but not my mind parts Jun. 11, 2015
The thing about being a nurse is, you must have patience Jun. 9, 2015
The only thing less funny than self-deprecating humor is me Jun. 9, 2015
Reali and zombies love my brain Jun. 9, 2015 Reali = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
A backward poet writes inverse Jun. 5, 2015
Greek mythology always has been my Achilles' elbow Jun. 5, 2015
I don't get the point of curved televisions Jun. 5, 2015
I think I'm addicted to Taylor Swift's music, so I'm trying to shake it off Jun. 1, 2015
I think I'm getting too old for this. -- Father time Jun. 1, 2015
So the duck tells the bartender, "Put it on my bill" Jun. 1, 2015
I woke up this morning on Mt. Everest. It's all uphill from here May. 28, 2015
My body has no curb appeal May. 28, 2015
Smiling will instantly increase your face value May. 27, 2015
Professional construction has pros and cons May. 27, 2015
I forgot how to writ th lttr . --Chalkboard May. 27, 2015
I have a joke about a muffler, but it is exhausting May. 22, 2015
Tony's teleprompter broke. He's speechless May. 22, 2015 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
My shoes are sole mates May. 20, 2015
Those who build roofs are so inclined May. 20, 2015
Despite my stardom, my career appearing on games shows is in jeopardy May. 20, 2015
Indecision is they key to flexibility May. 19, 2015 'they' [sic] [pic]
Lottery: A tax on people that are bad at math May. 19, 2015
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? May. 15, 2015
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage May. 15, 2015
All true wisdom is found on me -- Chalkboard May. 15, 2015
I wonder where forest rangers go to escape it all? May. 14, 2015
ATM Disclaimer: Sign necessary forms or get muted May. 14, 2015
I check none of the boxes May. 8, 2015 [pic]
Your senses are heightened when you do things you're not supposed to while at work May. 8, 2015
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything May. 8, 2015
If I were the only panelist I still couldn't get to 500 wins May. 7, 2015
If there was a scandal about a fence, would they call it gate-gate? May. 7, 2015
I'd call my fashion style "clothes that still fit" May. 4, 2015
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread, the next, you're toast May. 4, 2015
Money can't buy happiness, but you can find it faster in a convertable May. 4, 2015
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I never know where; I belong May. 1, 2015
I admit I am condescending. I always talk down to people May. 1, 2015
When all is said and done there is always someone who is still talking May. 1, 2015
Sometimes I wish I was a whiteboard; they are remarkable --Chalkboard Apr. 29, 2015
When I first got my universal remote, I thought to myself, "This changes everything" Apr. 29, 2015
To make a long story short, just quit right in the middle. Apr. 23, 2015
Some questions just answer themselves: sit-ups or pizza? Apr. 23, 2015
Do I have a police record? No, but I own two of their albums on cassette. Apr. 23, 2015
Hang on Tony. Let me over think this. Apr. 20, 2015 Tony = Tony Reali, the host of ATH
Life is short. I'm not too long for it Apr. 20, 2015
Let me be frank with you perhaps not Apr. 20, 2015
I got caught stealing a calendar and got twelve months Apr. 17, 2015
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Apr. 17, 2015
A book fell on my head this morning. I have only myshelf to blame. Apr. 17, 2015
Fishermen are reel men Apr. 16, 2015
They should make a Minecraft movie; it would be a blockbuster Apr. 16, 2015
Spring is here! I'm so exited I wet my plants Apr. 7, 2015 (more like he's so excited he left out a 'c', amirite?) [pic]
I may not have finished first in the bracket challenge, but I did beat Frank Apr. 7, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
Sorry I'm late I rode my hoverboard today Apr. 1, 2015
DANGER 1.21 jiggawatts Apr. 1, 2015
I'm going ahead to the past Apr. 1, 2015
Can February March? No, but April May Mar. 31, 2015
Fanny's Rest Stop Mar. 31, 2015
Frank, I think we are at that stage as friends where we can insult each other Mar. 31, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show
I'm the Kentucky of this show. It's me vs. the field Mar. 26, 2015
2,200 appearances: the equivalent of "over the hill" Mar. 26, 2015
Mr. 2,200 Mar. 26, 2015
Cheesy pick-up lines Mar. 25, 2015
I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food Mar. 23, 2015
The musician broke into song because he couldn't find the key Mar. 23, 2015
Today my name is backboard Mar. 23, 2015
When is an Irish potato not Irish? When it's a french fry Mar. 17, 2015
St. Patrick's Day Poll Am I wearing underwear beneath my kilt? Mar. 17, 2015
I ate my Lucky Charms marshmellows this morning Mar. 17, 2015 marshmellows [sic]
My bracket is already busted Mar. 16, 2015
The real bracket challenge: hanging my TV wall mount Mar. 16, 2015
Diet Rule #1 If nobody sees me eat it, it doesn't contain calories Mar. 12, 2015
If you think nothing is impossible try slamming a revolving door Mar. 12, 2015
My best advice is to not listen to advice, even this advice Mar. 12, 2015
Potatoes are the prettiest vegetables; all eyes are on them Mar. 10, 2015
Hey App Store can you make a fire? No Matches Mar. 10, 2015
Should the Colts have signed Al Gore instead of Frank Gore? Mar. 10, 2015
My computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing Mar. 5, 2015
Being a couch potato is risky; someone may get hungry and eat you Mar. 5, 2015
Very few things blow my mind, unless it's windy outside Mar. 5, 2015
The best part about writing a book is the book parties Mar. 2, 2015
Alarm Clocks for Sale Buy one. You will sleep soundly Mar. 2, 2015
Today's Motto: It's not important to win. It's only important that Frank loses Mar. 2, 2015 Frank = Frank Isola, another panelist on the show.
Man, I am old. The candles for my birthday cake cost more than the cake itself. Feb. 25, 2015
When one door closes, another should open. If not, go through the window Feb. 25, 2015
Those who snore always fall asleep first Feb. 25, 2015
Why do they call it a pair of pants when there is only one? Feb. 23, 2015
A penny saved is ridiculous Feb. 23, 2015
I know you can't tell, but I laugh at my own jokes -- Chalkboard Feb. 23, 2015
My biggest pet peeve? Ironically it's nails on a chalkboard -- Chalkboard Feb. 19, 2015
Any available whiteboard out there? I got a plus-one invite to the Oscars Feb. 19, 2015
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Feb. 17, 2015
Iv'e decided to be more decisive...but maybe not Feb. 17, 2015 [pic]
This chalkboard available for A-Rod's next apology Feb. 17, 2015
Any whiteboard's out there need a valentine? -- Chalkboard Feb. 13, 2015 whiteboard's [sic] [pic]
Happy Friday the 13th! Feb. 13, 2015 [pic]
Can you believe I've been with him 13 years and never won employee of the month? -- Chalkboard Feb. 10, 2015
I love rehearsal dinners. I rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them. Feb. 10, 2015
Never ask a podiatrist for conversions to metric. They only know feet. Feb. 10, 2015
My pizza jokes can't be topped Feb. 4, 2015
Tacks have a very pinpoint way of hurting Feb. 4, 2015
Things I'm bad at: singing. Things I do a lot: sing. Feb. 4, 2015
I kissed Katy Perry and I didn't like it Feb. 2, 2015
Instead of beast mode, hawks went bust mode Feb. 2, 2015
Last night I hugged a cactus Jan. 27, 2015
Now we know what it means when Tom Brady airs one out Jan. 27, 2015
In AZ 3 days made a rash decision, bought Calamine lotion Jan. 27, 2015
A foiled master plan Jan. 22, 2015 [pic]
Job Application Jan. 22, 2015
Help Wanted --Ball deflator --Greater Glendale area --Must be available February 1, 2015 Jan. 19, 2015
Man, what a deflating loss for the Colts! Jan. 19, 2015 [pic]
My pet chameleon Jan. 15, 2015 [pic]
Pillow fight champion featherweight division Jan. 15, 2015
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? Jan. 12, 2015
What do you get when you cross Oregon & Ohio State? A duckeye or a buckduck Jan. 12, 2015
Monday Special Free shrugs for Frank Isola Jan. 12, 2015 Frank Isola is another panelist on the show
Plateau's. The highest form of flattery. Jan. 6, 2015
For Pete's sake, who's Pete Sake? Jan. 6, 2015
"I shrunk because I was in a pool of grease." -- Bacon Jan. 6, 2015
Cell-fie Jan. 5, 2015 [pic]
Something between us smells Jan. 5, 2015 [pic]
My New Year's resolution: 500 wins. It starts today Jan. 5, 2015